Vale, Dennis, sports fans will never forget your great moments in commentary

When Darran Gaspar had a rare shot at goal in 1998 and hit the post: “Gaspar … the unfriendly post.”

After Port Adelaide player Josh Carr crashed into his brother, Fremantle’s Matthew Carr, both with No.9 on their back: “How’s that! A two-Carr collision, both with the same rego!”

“The Magpies ought to be kicking themselves right now, but with their luck, they’d probably miss.”

“Bassett’s my man. He never takes a breather. If he was a postman, I reckon he’d finish his round in 20 minutes, stopping only to bite a few dogs.”

After Andrew McLeod was caught in a tackle: “Umpire Ryan is clearly a Mick Jagger fan. I swear he dashed in, shouting, ‘Hey, you, get off McLeod!’”

In the 2010 grand final replay when Collingwood’s Heath Shaw smothered St Kilda skipper Nick Riewoldt’s seemingly gimme goal on the goal line: “He came up behind him like a librarian, he never heard him.”

On Jude Bolton’s endurance: “They’ve finally got Jude Bolton off the ground, and he’s heaving like a crazed tuba player.”

On Troy Wilson’s playing style: “If it ain’t broke, break it.”

After a player got a crook bounce on the run: “If your girlfriend’s name was Sherrin … you could never trust her.”

“He took the third of two options.”

After St Kilda kicked their fifth straight goal one Sunday afternoon to start the game: “The Saints are like Matthew McConaughey at a singles bar at the moment – cannot miss.”

“Well, certainly Matthew Richardson thinks he’s the best player on their list at the moment … Mind you, that’s a bit like being the best centre half-forward in Czechoslovakia.”

After Essendon’s Nathan Lovett-Murray evaded a couple of tacklers: “Lovett went one way, Murray went the other, and they were left chasing the hyphen!” (Thank you, I know.)

“So it’s back to the old drawing board. Obviously a luxury that the guy who invented the drawing board didn’t have.”

His description of a Gary Ablett snr mark: “That’s not a mark, that’s a party trick!”

On the limited kicking skills of Essendon forward Scott Lucas, oft criticised for rarely using his right foot: “I think it’s safe to say Lucas takes his right leg out there purely for balance.”

“When Anthony Rocca backs into a pack, he beeps.”

And I love this exchange.

Cometti: “King to Ling.”

Dermott Brereton: “Just forward of the wing.”

Cometti: “Don’t you start!”

And finally, the quote most apposite to his sad departure this week: “If I had 10 minutes to live I’d make sure it’s measured in American football time.”

Vale, Dennis.

My Kiss of Death powers work in strange ways

As it happens, I attended the opening match of the AFL season on Thursday evening, Swans v Carlton, my first Swannies game in three yonks. More than ever, I was stunned by the speed of the match, how much of the time the ball was in play, how many flagrant knock-ons were ignored by the dozen umpires who seemed to be all on the field or sidelines at once, and how everyone around me appeared to have overdosed on emotion drugs, just before arriving.

What is it with you AFL people??

You damn nigh booed or cheered EVERY play, for THREE HOURS!

And what was with the third quarter going for, I kid you not, 40 minutes?

Overall though? Good match. But a little weird.

When Carlton were ahead 40-18 early in the third quarter, it was so obvious to me they were going to win this, I forgot my Kiss of Death powers and said to my mate and host: “There is no way the Swans can come back from here. Carlton have got this.”

Whereupon, the Swans exploded before my very eyes to put on 114 points for the rest of the match, while Carlton could muster only another 29. I was told by the people around me, the Swans’ performance bodes well for a great 2026 … so long as I don’t predict it.

Norman’s conquest

Back in the day, just swimming the English Channel was enough to mark you down as a swimmer non pareil. It was the rough equivalent of standing atop Mount Everest. Then, for true prestige, you had to swim back again.

Now?

Well, now you have to swim the “Oceans Seven” – the English Channel; the Cook Strait, between New Zealand’s North and South Islands; Hawaii’s Molokai Channel; Catalina Channel, from Catalina Island to mainland California; the Tsugaru Strait, between Japan’s Honshu and Hokkaido islands, and the Strait of Gibraltar.

Last week, only 42 swimmers in the world had done it.

This week?

Make that 43. The latest is a 54-year-old West Australian Joanne Norman, a mother of four. Last year, trying to complete the Molokai leg – the most difficult of the lot at a swirling 42 kilometres – a shark bit her, which delayed proceedings.

This time, she got it right, and completed the swim – and the Oceans Seven – staggering out of the water at 3.11 am on Monday, local time.

When I asked Ms Norman to give me her version of George Mallory’s famous response in New York on 1924, on why climb Everest – “because it’s there” – she replied: “The Ocean Seven for me was a personal challenge, pushing myself to see what my limits were. After the cookie-cutter bite last March, I wanted to show people that courage and bravery change everything. That’s what it took to go back to Molokai to swim in the channel again.”

Bravo!

What they said

Matildas playmaker Amy Sayer on the Iranian team continuing to play as bombs fall on their nation: “Our heart goes out to them and their families. It’s a difficult situation, and it’s really brave of them to be able to be here and to perform. They played last night and they put on a really strong performance.”

South Africa cricket coach Shukri Conrad after his side lost in the semi-finals of the World T20 Cup: “I don’t know if tonight was a choke. I thought it was a bloody walloping. I think in order for you to choke, you must have had a sniff in the game. We didn’t have a sniff. In South Africa, we say we got moered snotklap, also a South African word meaning a real hiding.”

Charlie Curnow on playing at the SCG as a Swan, after 10 years with Carlton, who the Swans thumped on Thursday night: “First win here in 10 years. I guess it’s nice to get one.”

Bruce McAvaney on the late, great Dennis Cometti: “How many times did he make us laugh and smile? We would sit there and think, how did he think of that? He leaves a legacy that is undeniable, unique and authentic. In many ways he was the benchmark for all of those that are following in his footsteps. Perhaps the most impressive thing about Dennis is that through his calling, he made footballers famous. That’s a gift.”

Quade Cooper on Dave Rennie going to the All Blacks: “After the way he was treated by our administration in Australia, to now find himself with arguably the biggest job in rugby feels like a little bit of karma. We let one of the best coaches in the game go.”

Lachie Galvin: “I’m going to let my footy do the talking … yeah, let my footy do the talking.” Just once, could they say something interesting, left-field, unexpected, insightful, inciteful, with just a hint of pizzazz, hold the anchovies, not clichéd?

Dragons coach Shane Flanagan to Danny Weidler: “I’d love to say that we’re good enough to go with the big dogs this year. We’ll win a lot of footy games this year, but I’m just realistic – don’t set stupid expectations.”

Sam Kerr: “Most people in their career don’t get to play one home tournament at home.” The phrasing is somewhere between a tautology, an oxymoron and a superfluity.

Valentine Holmes explaining rugby league to Americans: “Obviously everyone knows about the All Blacks, so they all thought I was playing rugby.”

Canberra’s own Tom Staniforth on playing rugby in, and possibly for, France: “For us, it’s just a bit of a pinch-me moment. It’s just like, wow, what an experience, what a story. To be honest, the kid from Canberra didn’t think this was possible. Me and my wife have talked about it, and I guess this is the gift of rugby – to move to France and play in France, to build a life here. It’s not lost on me how lucky we are.”

Staniforth: “And French rugby is absolutely phenomenal. Castres, we have 40,000 in our town, so it’s like Goulburn, and our stadium holds 12,500. It’s full every week. When we come to the stadium, there’s flares, there’s people lining the streets. It’s mad.”

Makybe Diva has gone to the big paddock of lucerne in the sky, where there is no racing. Jockey Glen Boss, who rode the Diva in all three of the victorious Melbourne Cups, said about her last year: “If you asked her to run through a wall, she’d ask how fast and how many walls.” Well, after you hit her with a whip, anyway.

Arsenal manager Mikel Arteta on a last-minute great save by David Raya: “My heart almost stopped, but David’s hand was there to bring it back to life.”

Peter V’landys on AFL: “We lead them like you lead a horse.”

Team of the week

Dave Rennie. First person to coach the Wallabies and All Blacks after he got the Kiwi job.

Melbourne Storm. Bloody hell. Notched up a half-century against the Parramatta Eels, and then barely gave their opponents a bat. In the end, a 52-4 THUMPING.

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Alyssa Healy. In her final one -day international, she smashed 158 against India as the hosts amassed their highest score on home soil, 7-409.

Hannah Green. Australian golfer won the Women’s World Championship event.

Townsville Fire. Defeated the Perth Lynx to win the WNBL.

Southern Thunder. Good luck to the Australian team in the World Baseball Classic.

RIP, Dennis Cometti. Died this week, aged 76.