Instead, England brought an attack to Australia that seemed to be geared at fighting some earlier wars on far flatter pitches. McCullumโs final tour of Australia with New Zealand in 2015-16, for instance, had featured an extremely high-scoring draw in Perth, but Australian pitches and the Kookaburra ball are much changed since.
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Why Page left 10mm of grass on the surface was apparently to do with forecast hot weather on days three and four. But by offering so much lavish assistance to bowlers early on, he has opened the distinct possibility that Melbourneโs golf courses will be more populated by then than its cricket ground.
After Ben Stokes won the toss, Englandโs early incisions with the ball were as much about batter error as anything in the pitch. Travis Head dragged a cut onto his stumps, Jake Weatherald glanced into the wicketkeeperโs gloves and Marnus Labuschagne drove at a length ball in a manner more reminiscent of the tourists.
Steve Smith was genuinely bowled by a lovely nip-backer from the speedy Josh Tongue, who was curiously considered a second-rank bowler for England at the start of the series but has done much to indicate heโs better than that.
For a while, Australia looked like rebuilding through Usman Khawaja and Alex Carey, then Cameron Green with Neser. Each time, though, a wicket was found. Khawaja did little wrong when nicked off by the persevering Gus Atkinson, but Green was far more culpable for his run out โ the first by England in an Ashes since 2021-22.
From there, it appeared the Australian bowlers were thinking mainly of getting their hands on the new ball, and the following procession showed why.
Noosaโs latest tourism ambassador, Ben Duckett, lasted all of five balls before spooning Starc to mid-on, then Ollie Popeโs replacement Jacob Bethel touched a cracker from Neser through to Carey. So much for the new blood.
Four balls later, Zak Crawleyโs statuesque forward prod offered up another edge from Starc, this time to Smith. And Joe Rootโs 15-ball stay was ended by another immaculate delivery from Neser that the former captain could only snick through to Carey. Four for 16 and the day had swung violently back to Australia.
Harry Brook and Ben Stokestried to resist in their wildly contrasting ways, but could not endure long enough to make a substantial dent in the play.
Brook effectively walked for an lbw, pinned in front by Boland, and Stokesโ half-drive, half-cut at Neser succeeded only in slips catching practice for Smith. Jamie Smith and Will Jacks had both been cut in half by Bolandโs sharp seam back into them.
All of a sudden, Australia found themselves having to bat again. Boland put his hand up to nightwatch and face a solitary over. The fifth ball saw yet another England dropped catch, this time a tough one to Bethel in the gully, and the last was steered away to the third man rope. Atkinson could only hang his head.
This gallery of the grotesque was watched by ECB chair Richard Thompson and team performance director Rob Key from Cricket Australiaโs hospitality box in the Harrison Room. They will soon have some hard decisions to make about the sequence of events that led to this tour, and McCullum will be among the first to face up to the ECBโs scrutiny.
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At the same time, the preparation of this pitch will also require some introspection.
Walking into the MCG this morning, we all knew that Englandโs batsmen were unlikely to hang around; by dayโs end, it was worth wondering how many spectators will be given the choice to do so after tomorrow.
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